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Testy Testing...

So...after studying for another week...I took another test online today for my CCNA...

...and got a 58%. (Previous scores include 74%, 80%, 84%, 76%, and 74% over the last three months.)

*headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk*

I'm so tired of this. It just never seems to end or even slow down.

After I figured I finished writing out my latest story for Torn World the canon board handed me a ton of edits for it. Some rightfully so but frankly I'm just not in the mood all of a sudden. (I know it isn't but it feels like just another failure. Not their fault though.)

We don't have enough money for me to finish repairing the sewing machine. (A $6 belt and some oil.)

I keep finding things that we should use the tax return for.

The Neon is definitely using oil now that it's been warmer outside.

I need to work on my motorcycle before I can ride it.

The yard is an absolute disaster and I need to prep for gardening.

I need to transfer the title on the boat and get a new one for the trailer.

I need to renew the plates on my wife's minivan.

I haven't even started the work needed on the truck yet even though I have all the parts.

The house really needs some maintenance this year - especially on the gutters among other things.

I sold a bunch of stuff on E-bay...and broke even.

I can't find my Tolkein paperbacks.

I can't find the scheduling remote for the roombas that I put in a "safe place".

I crunched my spotlight for taking E-Bay pictures in the garage door because I left it clipped to the rafters when I opened the door.

I've done three of the mosfet repairs on the roombas now and none of them have taken. Likely static and heat fried the mosfets when I soldered them.

The ad-hoc batteries on the older UPS are too small for it to register them as even worthy of working. So I have NO filtering on any of my servers or desktops.

I'm supposed to help a friend out of state move this month and while we can do it I'm having a hard time justifying my time away from home for a great number of reasons.

Every job I've looked at so far in the I/T field is either out of my experience zone, I don't have the certifications for, or doesn't bother calling me back.

I'm worried about my friend in Tokyo even though he says not to worry.

I'm falling behind in my tasks on my task list.

I haven't started any seeds yet.

I can't watch the drawing VHS tapes because our VCRs both went belly up. (A flashing number 2 which in my opinion accurately describes their existing state.)

I haven't been working with my daughter at all.

I don't ever feel like the house is clean. Ever.

I'm physically tired.

I feel incredibly old right now. Spent.

I suddenly can't get excited about anything right now.

Worse yet I feel selfish. There's so much going on in other people's lives that are bigger problems than mine yet I'm here complaining about stuff.

It feels like I can't get any traction. I'm spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. And I can't even give up and stop for a while.

We crunched the numbers and found that I got it wrong the first time - my unemployment ends sometime in early July. But that's not that far away.

All I need is a job that pays $12/hour for us to keep on the way we are keeping on right now. The tax return will help us get a little more on an even keel but we really shouldn't be spending it AT ALL when it comes down to it because it's at least one mortgage payment if not a partial second one. And if I can't find a job by July then we're going to need that money.

On top of all this I've become addicted to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That cartoon is better than it has a right to be. Thankfully there's enough older guys that are in the same boat that I don't feel too weird about it. (For some reason I like Pinkie Pie because sometimes I'm that random.)

I don't know what to do. Really I just want to run away from it all but I can't do that either. (Furthermore that brings up the images of the doctor from B5 on "walkabout" and while it would be an interesting experience I don't think I want to meet myself right now.)

I hate what this society has become. You're a slave to money and a slave to doing a million things that you don't want to do just to survive. And all those things drain the very essence of your soul until in the end, if you're lucky, you're an empty husk in a nursing home somewhere trying to remember all those things that you've forgotten.

And that's another thing that's been happening. I've been repeatedly having incidents where I think of something very cool or important or that I really should write down or look for on the Internet and by the time I get moving it's gone. Completely gone. So gone that I have no hope of getting it back unless it voluntarily appears again.

This bothers me because there's dementia and Alzheimer's on both sides of my family and this is just the way I've seen it start with them.

At some point in my life I'll probably be like Patrick Stewart in the movie Safehouse where the walls are covered with sticky notes so he can remember important things.

I am still having problems sleeping in our bed. It still feels like things are touching my face. I don't get that in any other sleeping location. I have a tendency to get up at 2 am, use the bathroom, and then fall asleep elsewhere. (This is in no way fair to my wife because it separates us.) I can't find a reason for or a source of the problem. (Yes I've washed, dusted, and sprayed. No bugs that I can find nor signs of such even with a magnifying glass.)

Life feels too big and I suddenly feel very very small. Shrunken. And the lip of the bucket is such a long way up...


(Edited to correct spelling of Pinkie Pie's name.)

Cross-posted from Dreamwidth ( http://nimitzbrood.dreamwidth.org/226895.html ) but feel free to comment here as well.




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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
entropy_house
Mar. 17th, 2011 01:50 am (UTC)
*hugs* Sometimes things just pile up on you and depress you to the point where you can't think or function.

As far as sleep problem- I suggest you try to use a different pillow- possibly you've become sensitive to whatever's in that one? Or at least cover it with a material you know doesn't bother you.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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