So my back is still killing me thanks to one Mr. Stone, Kidney. I’ll get through it but along with other things happening recently I’m more than a little cranky.
It was annoyingly cold out this morning but not snowy or icy so that’s something anyway. I haven’t checked the weather station lately to find out the temperature trend but I’m sure it’s a steady down lately. That’s yet another piece of technology I have to find time for as I really would like the nice weather graphs for my webserver.
Waiting for a bunch of stuff from E-Bay to come in. I’m going to try and stop purchasing anything for a while. I’m so tired of not having the money to just go and get things I want. And I’m tired of dealing with the hassle of being accused of being overcontrolling and spending all the money. The truth is that we’re both bad spenders but I’m going to do something about that. I’m going to put all but any repair projects on hold. All the things for myself are going to be on hold and then we’ll see where the money goes. Frankly I’m hoping to save up enough so I can just take a week off and not have to worry.
I have the time through work but I really don’t have the time because I still need to make sure it’s free in case we get stuck in Montana or something.
I’m not handling things well lately. I think I’m cracking and cracking hard. But then the universe is hitting pretty hard right now so I’m not surprised I feel this way. I’ll get over it but it’s not going to be easy.
I have to pick up my daughter on the way home today but when my wife gets home I think I’ll take a nap. It’s not good for anything but my spirit at this point but I suppose that’s important right now.
I miss taking time for myself. When I get home I’m too tired to do anything but maybe necessary things like dishes occasionally or watch the dreaded mind-sucking LCD TV. I can’t spent time out in the garage until I fix my neighbor’s system - it’s a matter of honor. I can’t garden right now. I can’t work on videos as the iMac is waiting to go out to the garage. I can’t ride the bike - too cold. It feels like I can’t do anything...
I haven’t been taking my vitamins lately because I haven’t been eating in the morning. That includes the 5-HTP as well. I’m sure some of these feelings are due to that but a good majority are just...life.
I’m so tired of having to be the person people see me as. If you’ve ever watched the Martian Chronicles I feel like the one martian that would change with whoever looked at him until he eventually couldn’t bear it any more. I have to be so many things to so many people that I often lose myself. And that’s not good because if I forget who I am then I forget how to be those other things to those other people as well. Then where would everybody be?