nimitzbrood (nimitzbrood) wrote,

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Pride in mind...

July 8, 2011 10:15 AM 7/8/11

So...I’m still having trouble asking people for money or help. I managed to overcome it when I gave the neighbor kid a couple of the X10 wireless cameras I had lying around so he would trim my lawn for me.

But the problem is that I might need to ask people for money every so often until we’re stable again. (Which shouldn’t be long BTW as we’re getting close to a start date for the 2 month+ call center position.) But I’m having a hell of a time doing it.

For instance I am in need of a good modern laptop to run Linux on so I can move my old ThinkPad R51 to run Windows. The new laptop needs to have 2gb of RAM, a fairly decent modern processor (C2D), and good screen size (15”+). Everything else I can work around. I’ve found a place selling Dell M90’s refurbished but the cost is $279 not counting shipping and I just can’t afford that yet. That laptop would last me likely several years before I’d have to do much of anything to it let alone upgrade.

There are several people I could ask but I can’t bear to ask them for it because either they’ve already been hit up by other people for money OR because I don’t have anything worthwhile to give them in exchange.

And then there’s the pride thing. I’ve almost always managed to get through these things on my own. I mean I’ve had a fair amount of help and I’m thankful for it but most often it wasn’t help I asked for. I may not look it but there’s a fierce independence inside that I feel I would be giving up if I asked people for help.

Which is why most days I don’t ever think about asking.

And how can I even ask for laptop stuff when there are other things to be dealt with? I technically have what I need to do the job. The one Compaq N610c is loaded with Windows and it works. It’s ugly as all sin but it works. And the 14” R51 ThinkPad runs Linux okay it just doesn’t have the screen real estate. So yeah I have what I need to do the job...but I could be doing so much better.

...And now I feel like I’m trying to fleece any people reading this...*sigh*

This is the problem. I don’t want to ask for help because I don’t want to owe anybody, I don’t think I’ve earned it, and I think I’m too selfish because of the things I want to spend the money on. And even if I did get the money what would I do to repay what I owe? I’m trying to make jewelry (which it turns out I enjoy) but that’s going to need _more_ resources and may never pay out anything more than my own enjoyment. I can sometimes help people with problems but most don’t need that or they’re too far away from me.

And frankly quite a few people I know are in worse straights than me so how can I even ask? This stuff always makes my head hurt.

If I didn’t have so much to do I’d go back to bed...

Cross-posted from Dreamwidth ( ) but feel free to comment here as well.
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