And today it has once again proved that statement true. It was supposed to rain sometime mid-morning or early afternoon and right now there’s blue skies. That means I will likely be a little torqued if it doesn’t rain until after I get home because that means I could have ridden my bike to work today. *grumble*
I’m off work tomorrow so I can do housework and so I can come in on Sunday to install another security item at work. I’ve still got quite a few things left to do in that arena so I’m not sure where to go next after this one.
There’s a TON of laundry still to be done at home. And I also have to clean up the kitchen again after my wife cooked as she has no real motivation to clean after doing that.
Which part of me understands because her father does almost anything without question for her mother. I don’t believe that’s healthy so I make sure that my wife does things even when she doesn’t want to.
(About now I’m sure somebody is calling me a misogynistic bastard but they’re wrong.)
As I’ve stated so many times before I don’t want my wife to do everything I just want her to do her share. Which she often doesn’t do. I don’t care what she does as long as she doesn’t leave everything for me to do - which she often does.
For instance she loves to cook but will almost never clean up afterwards. And if she does clean then she does it only to a certain degree - she’ll empty things and maybe load the dishwasher but there will still be spill spots on the stove or wrappers/boxes on the counter. Or plastic grocery bags on the floor or any number of things.
Another is that when she does laundry she does her clothes and our daughter’s clothes but almost never mine. It’s like she doesn’t even consider it an option.
I can’t get her to even put her clothes away. All the clean clothes are downstairs. If I bring them up then they get put on top of the piles in front of the closets so she can lie on the bed and watch TV. If I were to put them away not only would I be encouraging that behavior but I’d get a ration of shit because I put them away “wrong”. How would she know what the “right” way is if she never does it?
I also get a lot of crap from her because she doesn’t think I do enough with our daughter, and that may very well be true, but what I’m concerned about is what happened on the occasions when I do things with our daughter or indeed take over any task that my wife wants me to do. What happens when I do that is she does nothing except perhaps sit in front of the TV or her computer. And it’s not an isolated incident either - she does it every time I do something in her stead. But if I want her to do something in my stead it’s Battle Royal to get her to do it. There’s an imbalance there that I don’t think will ever be cured in our time together. She was taught to be that way by example and she expects to continue to be that way.
I cut her a lot of slack that she doesn’t know she gets. I don’t bug her about even a quarter of the things she does/doesn’t do that she should be doing.
For instance she keeps complaining about how fat she’s getting but never even tries to eat right or exercise. I don’t think that unless she is at her mother’s I have seen a vegetable in her diet for quite a number of years. Pasta, pasta, pasta is her staple food. Then the amount of Pepsi or Dr. Pepper she drinks is nasty too. We go through about a case in two weeks with her only drinking it. (I tested this several times by making sure that our housemate had his own supply.) Worse she’s passing these things on to our daughter.
I honestly don’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to listen to me about this. Her mother and her sister as well as my sister have all managed to convince her that I’m to be ignored. Thus anything I say is useless and more often than not only pertinent if given to her from someone other than myself.
There are times I just want to up and leave. Just go. Send her divorce papers in the mail. There are times that feeling is very very strong.
But I can’t do that. I’ve given my oath to remain by her side. And I do still love her. Unfortunately I don’t think she understands that I don’t feel unconditional about my love any more. :-(
I don’t think she ever will understand until her parents are out of the picture. And even then her sister will likely convince her that she’s being taken advantage of and she should stand up for herself. I could care less if my wife stood up for herself - as long as things were equal. She expects me to treat her with respect then she should start respecting me.
And that starts by opening her eyes to how much I do around that house. I pay the bills. I organize our finances so we can save for our own home and still have spending money. I do dishes regularly. I clean. I cook when she doesn’t want to or I go out and get food. I pick up after her and our daughter. I maintain the house when necessary and maintain the vehicles when I can. I handle necessary paperwork like taxes and licenses. I keep our housemate off her back. I take care of her cat. I alter my schedule at the whim of her parents even though I should not allow them to do so. On top of all this I work full time and even have to work on weekends sometimes.
She works full time but almost never beyond 40 hours. She dresses our daughter. She cleans up our daughter. (I refuse to have any contact with the business end of our daughter’s dirty pants unless I’m forced to. I don’t think it’s right for a father to be involved in that after a certain age and 9 years old is far beyond that marker for me.) She does some therapy with our daughter but not very much. Every month or so she does one or two loads of clothes so she can say she did the laundry. The same for the dishes.
Like I said - most of what I observe my wife doing is picking up our daughter and bringing her home, then sitting in front of the TV, computer, or a book. Leaving me to do everything else and not doing anything she’s not openly forced to do.
I’m not saying I don’t slack from time to time. She complains that I’m always sitting in front of the computer when I get home but what she continually fails to realize is that usually by that time I’ve already completed several tasks around the house and am taking a well-deserved break before dinner or moving on to another task. Or I’m doing maintenance on our home network which includes the e-mail server she depends on to get her hundreds of autism related mailing lists posts each day. But no, if I’m sitting at the computer then I’m automatically not doing anything important and need to be doing something for her. B-(