nimitzbrood (nimitzbrood) wrote,

I spoke too soon...

October 17, 2005 12:12:09 PM

*sigh* I should have known better. That feeling I felt last week was very strong. Turns out that best as I can figure it was my cousin making her decision to kill herself. She shot herself in the head on Friday. I knew two days beforehand. I could have stopped her had I known. Or at least tried. I failed. I misunderstood the message. She taught me to pay more attention to my instincts and I failed her. Bitter taste of failure in my mouth.

And I'm probably going to have to fight to get the one thing from her house that I want - a box of pictures of the my great grandmother and family. Most likely the locusts of the family will try and snap those up and tell me I have no claim to them. I refuse to let them take those memories away from me. If they take them they'll just get lost. I don't want that. *sigh* I know Deb wouldn't want me to fight over her stuff. I just don't want my memories of the stuff we talked about gone. I can't do that. I have too much missing of time spent with her as it is. She turned out to me my favorite cousin.

I don't know what I'm going to do without her. ; _ ;

The worst part about all this is that I know I'm going to want to smack people around at the funeral. I'm going to have to keep myself in check unless somebody steps out of line. Some part of me is hoping somebody steps out of line...

I'd like her to be buried with a sword but I don't know if I can get one fast enough that is quality that would qualify. I'm sure the family would react badly as well. I need to make sure that it's a cane sword or something if I'm going to do it. I don't have much time to decide.
Tags: bitter words, death in the family, family gifts, instincts, suicide
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