nimitzbrood (nimitzbrood) wrote,

A matter of honor...

August 10, 2007 11:10 AM

Honor for me is an almost physical thing. Some people understand that but others don’t. It binds me. It defines my actions and is never far from my thoughts. It’s part of what’s at the core of my very being.

For instance once I make a promise it’s a binding agreement on me almost like a compulsion. I can’t break it unless either the other thing/person/being involved breaks it first or the point of the agreement becomes pointless OR if some of my internal rules make that agreement null and void. And sometimes even if someone wants to break the agreement I _have_ to make good on it regardless even if they said “don’t worry about it” or something similar. It’s how I am.

As you probably suspect this makes for all sorts of interesting problems.

For instance when someone promises me that they’ll do something I expect them to keep that promise. Basically I expect them to have the same sort of compulsion that I do concerning their promise or “word”. Unfortunately it took me a long time to learn that other people don’t act that way. (At least most people - the Japanese seem to come closest but I won’t claim to understand that culture fully because I don’t have enough knowledge of it personally.)

What this comes down to now is that I have a lot of promises I made earlier in life that are still on my list to complete but that conflict with each other. And I can’t break them. I can’t break my word. It may take me _lifetimes_ to make good on it but I will _never_ just abandon it. So here I sit. Stuck within a web of honor that I can’t break of my own accord.

I have so many promises I will not be able to make good on in this lifetime...

In other news someone asked me if I’d do a support contract for them outside of work. Another on-call support contract is something that I’m not really willing to do because my time is already limited. The extra money would be nice but not worth the extra time spent. I can’t afford the time it would take me and I’ve already got one on-call thing with my office anyway - I can’t handle another one. And besides I can’t do it because it would conflict with what I’m doing at work.

Still some sort of independent money is much needed and I _will_ have to find something that I can do in what little spare time I have to generate something like that.

I haven’t bought Final Cut Express for my MacBook yet so we’ve got a little extra money in the bank. I think I’m going to leave that for a few weeks then take the FCE purchase money out of the credit union account like I did for the MacBook. That makes the best sense really because it helps stabilize the bank account and limit my software spending to what I’m willing to take out of the credit union account.

I’m “off my feed” lately. I should be eating better but since I’ve had to drive the truck repeatedly the last couple of weeks I’ve been eating fast food a lot again. This is really bad. My stomach has not been too good the last week but I think that’s been stress. I really need to get back into eating fresh food again. Riding the bike to and from work helps a little because it makes it much harder to get food “on the go” as it were and because it’s a slightly more physical action than sitting in the truck driving.

Myself and everyone around me needs to get more physical exercise. I had to climb around in the back storage area of work today to get a box off of a shelf and I was sweating a little by the time I was done. Not good. Though oddly I enjoyed climbing around. There should be a jungle gym for adults. And I’m not talking about those climbing walls that are here and there I’m talking about a full cavernous room full of platforms and bars and things to swing from and things to jump from and a whole host of places to climb. The insurance on such a place would be horrendous but I don’t think there would be a play loving adult that wouldn’t sign a waiver to climb on giant “monkey bars”. ^_^ Maybe...someday...

Ugh. Time to go back to work. Today is one of those days where you really want to be at home or outside someplace with a breeze. Under a tree on the top of a hill would be nice...
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